Posts Tagged With: terror

The Amazing Story of This Five Dollar Bill

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This is it. This is the five dollar bill.

The other day, I was getting in my car and this five dollar bill was frozen in the ice by the passenger-side door, so I chipped it out with my boot and now I have five more dollars.

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Categories: Just a stupid thing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Post-Halloween Interlude – CGI Ghosts!

CGI ghosts are horrifying. They creep up behind you, seeming to almost blend in with their surroundings. Their feet kinda hovering above the floor – are they supposed to be floating or is it just poor compositing? Doesn’t matter. It’s ghosts!

CGI ghosts are nothing but possibility. They could be in the room with you. They could be just outside the window. They could be in the foreground or background. Are they transparent? Are you? It’s almost impossible to tell! It’s ghosts!

CGI ghosts aren’t limited by the confines of the physical world. Or even the metaphysical world. They don’t feel the need to to enter a room through a door, a window or a wall. They just float in from off-screen. CGI ghosts don’t leave like normal ghosts either. They can burst apart into a thousand identical leaves or crumble into unconvincing ash. It makes no difference which. It’s ghosts!

CGI ghosts sometimes bear the faces of dead loved ones, but these faces are plasticky and the mouths don’t move right. This is not a flaw, however, it is a feature. It makes these ghosts seem unreal and therefore scarier. The eyes of the CGI ghosts seem to float within the head, hovering just behind their eye holes. The muscles of the faces of CGI ghosts move independently of one another and not always in concert. Still, it is creepy. It’s ghosts!

CGI ghosts don’t need no bustin’ because they are always welcome despite their hostile actions. CGI ghosts are the real life of the party. CGI ghosts push envelopes. Think outside boxes. Impress your girlfriend. Know all the best bands. CGI ghosts don’t haunt; they help . . . you be a better person. It’s ghosts!

You got a problem?

CGI ghosts!

You need a hand?

CGI ghosts!

You like that girl?

CGI ghosts?

That’s some good soup!

CGI ghosts!

CGI ghosts!

CGI ghosts!

CGI ghosts!

CGI ghosts!

Categories: Halloween!, Horror | Tags: , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Halloween Interlude – The Shortest Ghost

THE SHORTEST GHOST

The Shortest Ghost was very short
Not even two feet high
He looked up to the other ghosts
Who called him “Little Guy.”

The witches called him “Goblin Food”
The mummies called him “Thumbkin”
The Draculas just picked him up
And stuffed him in a pumpkin.

The werewolves all turned up their snouts
As if he wasn’t there
The bats and spiders laughed at him
The Devils pulled his hair

Each Halloween he hoped and dreamed
He’d pull off one big fright
And listen to the children scream
And cry for mom all night

But, when the spooking hour came
The other ghosts would sneer
“A tiny ghost with no loud ‘Boo!’
Does not inspire fear!”

This Halloween, he sat at home
And watched some DVDs
But scary films just made him sad
And he’d seen all of these

And so the Shortest Ghost set out
He thought he’d Trick or Treat
With emphasis on “tricks” because
The treats he could not eat

He stalked a motley group of kids
Who’d not, for hours, be missed
And with a pounce enveloped them
Within his spectral mist

He showed them sights – obscenities –
No living being should see
The face of Death, the Hills of Ot
The Red Pnakotic Sea

He led them through Zehirete
The Holy Womb of Light
And bathed them in The White Fire
Which Is Darker Than The Night

Shub-Niggurath – the Black Goat
With a Thousand Hungry Young –
Ignored them, but not Nyarlathotep
God of the Bloody Tongue

The King In Yellow, Hastur,
Lord of Interstellar Spaces
Was dropping by and broke their minds
By showing them his faces

The Shortest Ghost then dragged them deep
Beneath the ocean’s waves
Where mermaids, fat with sailors’ blood,
Lured men down to their graves

And, down where dead Cthulhu dreamt
And Dagon held court, too
The Shortest Ghost swam in their ears
And whispered to them
“Boo.”

The children screamed, or tried to,
For the ocean filled their lungs
But, soon enough, it mattered not
For death had stopped their tongues

He’d played his trick, he’d had his treat
The dawn would soon be there
The shortest ghost now had his proof
That he knew how to scare

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” his brothers cried
As he rose out of the foam,
“The Old Gods wake! The Howler Screams!
The Shambler starts to roam!”

“You’ve called attention to mankind
With your stupid little trick
We’re sorry that we called you short
But, this is pretty sick!”

The Shortest Ghost looked hard at them
And, then into the sky
The stars blinked out, the clouds dripped blood
The moon revealed an eye

He thought, “Well, no more haunting now
The dead won’t fear the dead
And, no more Halloween for us
Just endless dark instead”

But, never did the Shortest Ghost
Regret what he had done
For size is always relative
Beneath a blackened sun.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Categories: Halloween!, Horror | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Halloween Interlude – Oh, Donna!

Donna?

Donna?

Oh, Donna?

DONNA!

Sorry! Sorry. Just had to – had to get your attention. Wow! You are a tough one, we tell you. You are a tough one to crack with all your . . . mental things and your . . . strong personality. Yeah.

So, hi! We’re your . . . wow, what do you call us? I’m your “demon” we guess is the word? We’re your demon; We’ll be inhabiting your body now for, um, about, forever . . . from now on. Yeah, the goal with us is to move into a body, preferably a human body, until we use it up and discard it like so much spoiled meat, so . . . hey! Here we are!

Yep. Well, it’s nice in here. You’ve . . . We see what you’ve done with the place. Roomy. You don’t keep a lot of extra junk in here, eh? Just the essentials. Wow. But, sweetie . . . oh, sweetie, we’ll fix it up.

We hope you don’t mind, we’ve been taking the liberty of rummaging around in your memories a bit – just the surface stuff! Nothing too buried. Yet. You play your cards pretty close to the chest. Looks like you had some awkward experiences in high school with guys, a few uncomfortable moments with your parents. Huh. Nothing very good. We’ll dig deeper. Most people think they have to go out and get all new things if they’re going to rebuild a personality from the ground up. Not us! We believe in recycling, reusing and RELAXING! Most people don’t realize what they have stashed away until we get in there, dig around and dredge it all up to the surface.

It’ll be beautiful.

Promise.

Oh, and you’re my first female! That’s exciting. Yeah, well, we tried a couple of girls back in the 60s – the 1560s, yeah. Didn’t work out too well. I’m a guy’s guy. Or, a guy’s “personification of the horrors of unfettered avarice.” That’s what we are. That’s what Satan calls us. Or, that’s what this one guy who knows Satan . . . that what he calls us. But, he said he’d mentioned us in front of Satan once and that Satan totally knew who he was referring to. He, like, nodded like . . . yeah, like that.

Look, I’m sorry we had to paralyze you like this. It’s uncomfortable, we know. Don’t worry though. Pretty soon you’ll loosen up and move around and we can take turns running this old meat-suit in to the ground, eh?

Yeah, oh, so we were saying, we’ve possessed about twenty different people over the centuries – not very good numbers, mind, but we do what we can. People aren’t as open to this kind of thing as you think they’d be. Most people having crises of faith were never very faithful to begin with, in my experience and . . . well, the numbers have to add up. If x is the amount of faith a person had and y is the amount of doubt they’re experiencing and two trains leave the station at the same time, blah, blah, blah. We usually get around the figures by pushing really hard! It’s crude, but what can you do?

So, here we are! We moved in a few things, hope you don’t mind. We have a big collection of negative experiences and horrifying emotions that we need to stash. We’re going to bury them all in your cerebral cortex. You may start feeling things that you weren’t aware a human mind could tolerate. It’s totally normal. No big.

Oh, we’re gonna have fun. We have so many things planned for this place!

First, ugh, look at that psyche! How long have you had this compassion for all living things?! I’m sorry girl, but it has got to go! We’re just going to rip that up and replace it with a nice, new 100 percent authentic loathing for all life on Earth. How’s that grab ya?

Then we’ll tear out these reflections of the people you love, the subtle elements that make you “you,” and the light behind your eyes that inspires trust and love in your fellow humans and replace it all with a noxious toxicity that poisons everyone you love and brings ruin to your relationships and community!

Because, we’re going to tear your family apart! Just splendid!  We tore a family apart in 1867. France. Beautiful time of year. Drove a man’s wife insane just by changing his eye color every time she looked at him. Ha! The secret is to make tiny alterations that are barely noticeable; drives ’em nuts trying to figure out what’s wrong. So, we’re going to do that with your husband and son. Mommy’s not mommy anymore! Oh, it’s terrible. But, if it works, it’ll be great.

Then, we’re going to lure your parents to their deaths, BUT! But. We’re going to do it so they die at a moment of sin. So, we’ll have to convince them you’re dying, or your son’s dying or something so they try to . . . steal something? Kill someone? We’ll work out the kinks. Your dad’s suffering from delusions, right? Good. We can reveal ourself to him and no one will believe him. Then, BOOM, dead and they’re in Hell having terrible things do terrible things to them.

Let’s see, we’ll drive your charitable organization into the ground. All that money you guys raised for cancer research? Fwip! Out the window. Think I’ll tie it up in some sort of embezzlement scandal before disappearing it – NO – funnel it to a major terrorist organization. HA! Good times.

Oh, Donna, this is going to be great. We are going to hurt so, so many people.

See, once upon a time we were a loose conglomeration of malevolent spirits, screaming in the depths of the inferno, devouring damned souls and excreting them, still conscious, into the eternal dung heap to be picked over by demoniac weevils while burning forever at a temperature of thousands of degrees, and we thought, “Is this all there is?” So, we incorporated and started out own possession gig. It’s worked out really well.

So, I’m really glad we’re getting this chance to work together! We’re going to whip this place into shape and really, really do some damage.

Oh, Donna.

It’ll be fabulous.

Categories: Halloween!, Horror | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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