This Halloween, there were fifteen Jack-O’-Mans on my block. That is one, two, three up to fifteen Jack-O’-Mans in one block! Holy and crap. Is that a lot of Jack-O’-Mans? For one block it is, yes sir.
What does it take to produce so many Jack-O’-Mans? And why. I took it upon myself to investigative report the answers.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE FIFTEEN JACK-O’-MANS?! IN ONE BLOCK!
I talked to the proprietor of the first home – a gentle-man by the name of Allen Bates. Here is a transcript of our discussion.
ALAN BATES: Leave me alone!
And then my tape machine broke.
I bought a Jack-O’-Man skull at the local conflabulary – a spicy store on the corner called “Grocery Store?”
ME: One Jack-O’-Man skull, my fine lady!
LADY: I’m sorry, do you need help?
ME: Direct me towards the Jack-O’-Man skulls that I may see within and discover their hoary secrets!
LADY: The Halloween decorations are at the front of the store, by the carts.
ME: Unhand me!
LADY: I’m not touching –
ME: UNHAND ME!
And then my tape machine broke.
This was getting me NO-WHERE! All about me were evidences of Jack-O’-Man activity, but nothing to show for my investigations but a package of Root Beer Barrels and a package of Root Beer Barrels.
ME: WILL NO ONE SHARE WITH ME THE SECRETS OF THE JACK-O’-MANS!
I woke up all over the place. I dreamed of Jack-O’-Mans and their eyes and beady eyes. GODS! How do you craft a Jack-O’-Man?! I grabbed one from a stoop and screamed WHY ARE YOU HEEEAR!? So many children came out to look at me and then ran back up into the trees! Stop stealing my bird-food, children!
That night was the night the kids wore masks like popular car-toons (HEEMAN, Skeletorn, The Princess, Jon and the Holmograns, Gummy Bear, The Smurf, Bat-man, Spider-man, Hulk-man, The Avenger, Star War, Drancula, The Skizzzz, Rubiks Cube, crayons in a pot, Salt and pepper shakes, a fork, plates and a cup, several napkins, a place-mat, doormat, a door bell, deer doer, the Big One, Smurds, Stamberry Shorktakes, Rainbow Bright, my pony pony, Blank byouty, the blak stallion, gross weatherman, that guy that looks, other kids, kids with faces, purple pie-man, all-you-can-eat, mY Bologna, the wig, ear picker, galaxy high school) and you give them sweets.
I still hadn’t a JACK-O’-MAN!
I had to resort to desperate measures.
I stole a Jack-O’-Man skull and dug INTO IT!
After it was done I took the inside of the SKULL and thrust the bits at children who came to my door.
I HEAR YOU CAN MAKE PIES OF THESE! i might have screamed.
Kids ran hither and thither and moms yelled and I had to spend a NIGHT IN THE POKEY!
So, the moral of this story is: I broke out of jail.
It was sooooo easy because it wasn’t a “jail” it was a “room” and I didn’t “break out” I “left” because it was “my room” and I had already “spent a night” in “real jail.”
When I got home, there was the SKULL MESS where I’d dropped it, on my floor and I spoooooooooooned it up and made the most amazing pie in the WORLD by eating the goooooooooop in a bowl of milk. PIES!
Next year, I will NOT have a Jack-O’-Man they are too much trumble and don’t make good guests and the kids in the neighborhood chew the eye sockets.
My momma once told me there were no Jack-O’-Mans but she was wrong. There are.